Christmas Cracker Jokes .. and similar

[Grindstone CowboyParticipant @grindstonecowboy]

A twofer…

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?

Have you ever tried to wash and iron one?

OR

If they were small, white and round they'd be aspirins.

[MortyParticipant @morty]

Why can't You see through a glass eye?………………..

Pete

[MortyParticipant @morty]

What is hard, blue and white?

A snowman with a flick knife in a denim jacket! (One from the Wife…….)

Pete

[pgk pgkParticipant @pgkpgk17461]

I feel duty bound to lower the bar..:

What do you call a 6ft 6in and 15 stone budgie? Sir!

Why aren't there any <insert nationality> waterskiers? They haven't got a lake with a slope.

Why can't you get ice in a <insert nationality> bar? They lost the formula

Did you hear about the <insert nationality> guy on the oilrig? Spent his leisure time throwing bread at the helicopters..

Did you hear about the <insert nationality> radiographer? Marked his x-rays with a coin.. heads for left and tails for right

pgk

[Cornish JackParticipant @cornishjack]

Q. What do cannibals who live in the jungle eat?

A. Snake and pygmy pie

Sir Lancelot arrived at an isolated country house in a raging storm with a lame horse. He asked for a replacement but the owner had none. He did, however, have a giant mastiff and suggested that as an alternative. Sir Lancelot said – " You wouldn't send a knoght out on a dog like this"

… and there's the dyslexic, insomniac,atheist who lies awake thinking about dog.

…enough, enough, already!

rgds

Bill

[GeorgineerParticipant @georgineer]

Posted by pgk pgk on 07/12/2020 14:05:16:

Why aren't there any <insert nationality> waterskiers? They haven't got a lake with a slope.

I'm sure that every lake must have a slope on it, otherwise the water wouldn't move in at one end and out at the other.

What's yellow and swings from cake to cake? Tarzipan.

There's another one but I can only remember the punchline: Meringue-outan. Can anybody help me out with the question part?

Seasonal one: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

George B.

[Anthony KnightsParticipant @anthonyknights16741]

It gets worse – "Why are there no asprins in the jungle"

"Cos the parrots eat em all"

[Nigel McBurney 1Participant @nigelmcburney1]

How do you get all the workers in the office into a mini, put the manager in the front seat,the rest will creep up his backside.

Eye test with optician, can read all the letters on the wall chart ? customer yes I can see all the letters but cannot pronounce those funny words.

[David NobleParticipant @davidnoble71990]

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.

What does a confused dolphin say?

Eeyore Eeyore!!!

I'm not putting my name to these

[herbert punterParticipant @herbertpunter99795]

What do you call a fast escalator

an escasooner!

[herbert punterParticipant @herbertpunter99795]

Did you hear about the newlyweds who couldn’t tell the difference between Vaseline and putty?

Their windows fell out!

[Nicholas FarrParticipant @nicholasfarr14254]

Hi, a couple of old ones for the kiddies.

Two oranges rolling down a hill and one of them suddenly stopped….. Why? It ran out of juice.

Two biscuits were crossing the road. When one of them got ran over, what did the other one say? Oh crumbs!!

Regards Nick.

[Perko7Participant @perko7]

OK, my contribution on the elephant jokes:

How can you tell if there's an elephant in the elevator with you? You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

What are the black things between the elephants toes? Slow pygmies.

And there's more where those came from (if only I could remember them ).

[GeorgineerParticipant @georgineer]

Posted by Anthony Knights on 07/12/2020 10:31:56:

"Why don't elephants like penguins?"

"They can't get the wrapper off"

I first heard this as "Why don't polar bears eat penguins?" but unfortunately there is also a sensible answer to this version.

What says "I love the North Pole – I hate the North Pole – I love the North Pole – I love the North Pole – …"

A bipolar bear.

George B.

[herbert punterParticipant @herbertpunter99795]

Two blokes got arrested last night, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating gunpowder

they charged the first one and let the other one off

[Peter Howell 1Participant @peterhowell1]

q) What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car?

a) A red carnation

[John HaineParticipant @johnhaine32865]

One from this morning's paper…

What will the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?

Put on a super spread…

[Rod RenshawParticipant @rodrenshaw28584]

Mary had an iron cow

She milked it with a spanner

The milk came out in shilling tins

And small ones for a tanner

[SquintParticipant @squint]

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Because it soots him!

[Peter Howell 1Participant @peterhowell1]

Posting from Triumph Sport Six Car club.

[Former MemberParticipant @formermember12892]

[This posting has been removed]

[Peter Howell 1Participant @peterhowell1]

My most useless Christmas present from last Christmas:

A 2020 wall planner

[roy entwistleParticipant @royentwistle24699]

Knock Knock

who's there?

little old lady

little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel

[BazyleParticipant @bazyle]

London Zoo announced the birth of a new panda, who will be named Michael.

[Danny M2ZParticipant @dannym2z]

Why does the Indian cricket team not have to go into isolation?

Because they can't catch anything that comes from a bat.

[Author]

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