Christmas Cracker Jokes .. and similar

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

Our Son [Jazz musician, currently in Laos] sent this today … so I will start the ball rolling:

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MichaelG.

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

[David ColwillParticipant @davidcolwill19261]

How does good king Wenceslaus like his pizza…..

Deep pan crisp and even.

You did ask!

David.

[Nick Clarke 3Participant @nickclarke3]

Like bad luck and buses these come in threes:

How do you get four elephants in a mini? Two in the front, two in the back!

How do you get four giraffes in a mini? You can't, it's full of elephants!

How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M5, across the Severn Bridge……..

You have to hear it!

[Rod RenshawParticipant @rodrenshaw28584]

Write an unforgettable thought down and your name will live forever.

Anon

[Nick Clarke 3Participant @nickclarke3]

What do Santa's helpers learn at school – The elfabet

[Halton TankParticipant @haltontank]

As a continuation from Nick Clarke,

How do you tell there are two elephants in the fridge? Foot prints in the butter !

How do you tell the are four elephants in the fridge? The Mini parked outside !

And finally, What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Dirty big holes all over Australia !

Regards

Luigi

[GeorgineerParticipant @georgineer]

Elephant jokes were all the rage when my nephews were young. They were amazed and impressed when they discovered that Uncle George knew more jokes than they did. Of course, I was remembering them from the first time round. One of their favourites was:

Q: What's grey, grunts, and hops about?

A: A kangarelepig.

George B.

[Howard LewisParticipant @howardlewis46836]

How do you contact an elephant from a distance?

Make a trunk call!

Howard

[pgk pgkParticipant @pgkpgk17461]

More elephants:

How do you disguise an elephant? – dark glasses.

How do you hide an elephant? Paint the bottom of his feet yellow and stck him upside down in a bowl of custard.

What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep

How do you know if there's and elephant in the fridge? You can't close the door.

And the worst joke ever:

Why wouldn't the engine sit down? Because it had a tender behind.

pgk

[Nick Clarke 3Participant @nickclarke3]

If we must……

How do elephants get up oak trees? Sit on an acorn and wait.

How do elephants get down from oak trees? Sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

[Nicholas FarrParticipant @nicholasfarr14254]

Hi, heard a few of these, the elephants in a mini one back in the early sixties and the two whales one, shortly after the bridge was opened. One that I remember that baffles a lot of people is; what is brown and green, has eight legs and would probably kill you if it feel out of a tree just as you were passing underneath it. You have probably guessed that it is a snooker table, but just what a snooker table would be doing in a tree is beyond me.

Regards Nick.

Edited By Nicholas Farr on 06/12/2020 17:52:52

[Martin KyteParticipant @martinkyte99762]

Shortened version

Wot bird dont make a nest.

Answer. The Cuckoo

? Why

'cos it live in a clock.

;O)

Martin

[Nicholas FarrParticipant @nicholasfarr14254]

Hi, I suspect you've all heard the one about a tap on the front door, that's just a plumbers idea of a joke.

 

Tommy was told that he would be good on stage, Sweeping it down after the shows.

Regards Nick.

Edited By Nicholas Farr on 06/12/2020 18:03:23

[Grindstone CowboyParticipant @grindstonecowboy]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes

How do you make a Maltese Cross?

Poke him in the eye

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Stamp on his foot

(I know, I know…)

Rob

[Phil WhitleyParticipant @philwhitley94135]

(in a scottish accent) Whats the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings and Walt disnae!

[Former MemberParticipant @formermember12892]

[This posting has been removed]

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

On the “and similar” theme … We’ve just watched Alan Yentob’s interview with Bette Middler, on iPlayer

Bawdy humour and a great show … She’s just what we need this dismal year !!

MichaelG.

[Nicholas FarrParticipant @nicholasfarr14254]

Hi br, the two answers are on the wrong questions.

i.e. you'll make a Maltese Cross by stamping him on the foot, and the Venetian will no longer be able to read. Two more rather old ones.

Regards Nick.

Edited By Nicholas Farr on 06/12/2020 21:10:19

[Grindstone CowboyParticipant @grindstonecowboy]

Hi br – it was kind of a running joke in our office to mix the punchlines up. Similarly, "look at that one-eyed cow over there" was responded to by covering one eye and saying "Where?", when the real joke should be "look at that cow over there with one eye".

Apologies, and finally, what's white and swings through the trees?

Tarzan the fridge.

Rob

[duncan webster 1Participant @duncanwebster1]

What's brown, steams and comes out of cows?

The Isle of Wight steamer

Only works when spoken of course

What's got 4 wheels and flies?

Bin waggon (and I haven't spelled it incorrectly!)

[Anthony KnightsParticipant @anthonyknights16741]

I suppose I had better contribute.-

"Why don't elephants like penguins?"

"They can't get the wrapper off"

[HopperParticipant @hopper]

Cowboy: Where is everyone?

Bartender: At the hangin'.

Cowboy: Who's gettin' hanged?

Bartender: Brown Paper Pete

Cowboy: Brown Paper Pete?? Why do they call him that?

Bartender: He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper jeans and brown paper boots.

Cowboy: What are they hangin' him for?

Bartender: Rustlin'.

 

 

 

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Edited By Hopper on 07/12/2020 11:28:47

[roy entwistleParticipant @royentwistle24699]

The elephant is a pretty bird

It swings from bough to bough

It builds it's nest in a rhubarb tree

And whistles like a cow

[Mick B1Participant @mickb1]

Posted by David Colwill on 05/12/2020 15:39:59:

How does good king Wenceslaus like his pizza…..

Deep pan crisp and even.

You did ask!

David.

But while his lass was lookin' out, what was his lad up to?

[Author]

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