A bit of humour

[SillyOldDufferModerator @sillyoldduffer]

• Heisenberg might have been here.
• Whenever I see a double entendre I whip it out
• 17 million Lemmings can't be wrong

[Enough!Participant @enough]

Ah, Heisenberg …

He was driving down the autobahn one day when a cop pulled him over.

The cop leaned in his window and said "Sir, do you know what speed you were doing".

To which Heisenberg replied "No, but I know where I am".

[Bob Brown 1Participant @bobbrown1]

Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments. "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please.

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. – You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

[Mick HenshallParticipant @mickhenshall99321]

A 2 seater aircraft has crashed into a cemetry, a Police spokesman said this is a tragic incident and so far 300 bodies have been recovered.

Mick

[Mick HenshallParticipant @mickhenshall99321]

I did particularly like the Duck one  🐓

Mick

[Phil StevensonParticipant @philstevenson54758]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undetered, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f*** do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
'Ryanair'.

[Ian S CParticipant @iansc]

Teacher: "If I gave you2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven".

Teacher: "No listen carefully… if I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats, and another 2 cats, how many would you have?"

Johnny: : Seven".

Teacher: "Let me put it another way. "If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples, and another 2 apples, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny: "Six".

Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you 2 cats, and another 2 cats, and another 2 cats, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven".

Teacher: " Johnny, where do you get seven from?"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a f***ing cat!"

Ian S C

Edited By Ian S C on 29/09/2017 10:08:59

Edited By Neil Wyatt on 29/09/2017 16:25:03

[Nick_GParticipant @nick_g]

.

This clip **LINK** on the BBC where youngsters are trying to tune in a radio. ……….. Priceless.!

[Bob McParticipant @bobmc91481]

Ian….

am I missing something….?

it was a travesty of justice that the teacher told him he was wrong in saying the answer he gave in the second paragraph was incorrect…! but I suppose if he did have a cat at home then his answer should have been 8… so the teacher was right in saying he was wrong and Johnny was wrong as he always included the cat at home in his calculations… … I must get out more often..

Bob..

[JimmieSParticipant @jimmies]

Just receive this from our (married) son 'Never criticise your husband's faults, it may have been those little imperfections which stopped him getting a better wife'.

How lucky our better halves are to have the likes of us!

[not done it yetParticipant @notdoneityet]

This one is likely true.

What is the difference between an engineer and a salesman?

An engineer learns more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing, while a salesman learns less and less about more and more until he knows b****r all about anything.

[Bob McParticipant @bobmc91481]

Ian….the cat count has changed…!! it all adds up now but it didn't before…. how did the 3 cats become 2…?

Bob.

[Michael GilliganParticipant @michaelgilligan61133]

Posted by Bob Mc on 29/09/2017 19:25:41:

Ian….the cat count has changed…!! it all adds up now but it didn't before…. how did the 3 cats become 2…?

Bob.

.

[quote] Edited By Neil Wyatt on 29/09/2017 16:25:03 [/quote]

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