A bit of humour

[Neil WyattModerator @neilwyatt]

Another victim found face down in a bowl of cornflakes.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[SillyOldDufferModerator @sillyoldduffer]

Crooks have hijacked a truckload of Viagra. Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

[Ian Skeldon 2Participant @ianskeldon2]

Thieves broke into a police station and pinched all of the toilets, at the moment, police have nothing to go on.

Two lads got drunk, one started to drink battery acid whilst the other was eating fireworks. Up before the judge the next day the first was discharged and the second was let off.

[Nick WheelerParticipant @nickwheeler]

I'm not impressed by the new ten-pound notes.

But then I don't like change.

[MikeParticipant @mike89748]

What's the difference between mechanical and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers make armaments; civil engineers make targets. OK, I know it's an oldie…..

[Martin WhittleParticipant @martinwhittle67411]

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention — so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says "Wait a minute, I see your problem……"

[Robert ButlerParticipant @robertbutler92161]

Try this one on Er in doors

"yes dear but if I valued your opinion I'd ask for it"

[HopperParticipant @hopper]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, which makes the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

[MikeParticipant @mike89748]

Nothing to do with engineering, but one from my profession:

What's the difference between a dead journalist and a dead dog found on the street in the morning? There's a skid mark in front of the dog.

[Eric CoxParticipant @ericcox50497]

The 5 Laws of Engineering.

1) Work expands to fill the time available

2) Any electric motor first installed always rotates in the wrong direction.

3) Any pipe cut to length will be too short

4) Inter changeable parts won't

5) Any errors no matter how small add up to cause maximum damage.

[Russell EberhardtParticipant @russelleberhardt48058]

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Engineer: The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

Russell

[Mick B1Participant @mickb1]

[MalcParticipant @malc]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said: "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[MikeParticipant @mike89748]

Things were not going well at Ackroyds mill, and the bank would only continue with loans if an accountant was elected to the board. At his first board meeting, the chairman, old man Ackroyd, told him to shut up. When he protested, Ackroyd told him: If we were all in the Yorkshire cricket team, the engineers would be the players, but you would just be the b….y scorer!

[JuddyParticipant @juddy]

The lakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

[JuddyParticipant @juddy]

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

[MWParticipant @mw27036]

Posted by Robert Butler on 24/09/2017 22:21:29:

Try this one on Er in doors

"yes dear but if I valued your opinion I'd ask for it"

Something tells me there would be a very sullen silence later that evening

[Robert ButlerParticipant @robertbutler92161]

Silence is Golden

[GeorgineerParticipant @georgineer]

Posted by Geoff Perkins 1 on 24/09/2017 05:25:11:

I always enjoyed a bit of Dilbert. This was a good one:

This reminds me of a tale of my Grandfather's from Portsmouth Dockyard a hundred-and-some-odd years ago. A work gang was trying to fit a large machine casting through an opening to install it in a new ship that was being built, and no matter which way they turned it, it would not go through.

As the foreman was beginning to despair of ever getting it in, one of the gangers told him 'I can make it fit'. 'How would you do that?' asked the foreman. 'I'd roll it in on a barrel of beer,' came the answer, and that was all he would say. Eventually the foreman gave in and agreed to pay for a barrel of beer. He was told to absent himself for a while, and when he returned the casting was inside the ship. The beer was duly supplied and drunk, and I believe the foreman never did find out how it was done.

George

[Mick B1Participant @mickb1]

Posted by Michael-w on 25/09/2017 13:25:46:

Posted by Robert Butler on 24/09/2017 22:21:29:

Try this one on Er in doors

"yes dear but if I valued your opinion I'd ask for it"

Version I heard was: "When I want your opinion, I'll tell you what it is…"

[GeorgineerParticipant @georgineer]

Or "If I agree with you,dear, then we'll both be wrong."

G.

[MalcParticipant @malc]

The Body of Opinion?

Three graduate engineers were discussing who might have been responsible for the design of the human body. The first one said "Think of all the joints etc. it must have been a mechanical engineer". The second one said "No no, what about all the electrical impulses and nerves etc? It must have been an electrical engineer". The third graduate was shaking his head, "You are both wrong, the human body was designed by a civil engineer – who else would run a waste pipe through a recreational area"?

[IanTParticipant @iant]

Had a look through these and was generally entertained – but Thai Guzzi's contribution is by far my favourite – Laughed out Loud (and now the wife wants to know what I'm doing – as I'm supposed to be fixing the shower! )

IanT

[Ian Skeldon 2Participant @ianskeldon2]

Martin Permans post had me in stitches.

[Ian Skeldon 2Participant @ianskeldon2]

Edited By Neil Wyatt on 25/09/2017 21:46:46

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