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Tools explained

"Borrowed" from a motorbike forum

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John Coates25/08/2012 09:20:20
558 forum posts
28 photos

Tools Explained:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Have you seen that alternative to wd40 , its called "start ya ******* " , it really does say this on the tin !!!!


Andyf25/08/2012 09:41:14
392 forum posts

A few more:

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKILSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles. Now mainly used to impersonate the 9/16
or � socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending
any possible future use.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.


INSPECTION LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. A good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat


Ady125/08/2012 10:31:46
4129 forum posts
576 photos

Philips screwdriver: A device for the efficient removal of crossed slots from screwheads

Edited By Ady1 on 25/08/2012 10:35:16

GaryM25/08/2012 12:57:34
314 forum posts
44 photos

Thanks John, Andy and Ady. Still laughing.


_Paul_25/08/2012 13:29:19
543 forum posts
31 photos

Lol thank you gents laugh

Swarf, Mostly!25/08/2012 13:35:27
556 forum posts
47 photos

Not a tool, but ...

Swarf: a floor covering material used to save valuable components and small tools from daylight and discovery.

Best regards,

Swarf, Mostly!

Steve Garnett25/08/2012 22:29:40
837 forum posts
27 photos

Oh, there are more - mostly American, so I Anglicised them:

Phone - Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper - Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dogshit off your boot.

Timing Light - A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Tweezers - A tool for removing wood splinters.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power station 200 miles away, and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire - and promptly proceeds to round them off.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your grease nipples are still plugged with rust.

Radial Arm Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.


Edited By Steve Garnett on 25/08/2012 22:37:12

Steve Garnett25/08/2012 22:45:00
837 forum posts
27 photos

Horizontal Belt Linisher: A tool which, when turned on, will promptly project and distribute anything left on top of it in a pretty straight line behind it. Please don't ask me how I know this...

Machine light: A tool which demonstrates errors in your work, directly in proportion to how bright it is.

Edited By Steve Garnett on 25/08/2012 22:48:38

Andyf26/08/2012 02:16:24
392 forum posts

From personal experience today:

HEIGHT GAUGE: An instrument which will prompt you to find out what scrap iron is worth when used in conjunction with a surface plate to check if the bearing surfaces above and below the saddle of a Chinese lathe are in parallel planes .

SCRAPER: something you will need after finding how little the scrapyard will pay.

ANGLE GRINDER: used in the Far East to create dovetails etc, and in the West as a time-saving precursor to the scraper.


Springbok26/08/2012 04:39:28
879 forum posts
34 photos

Thanks for the laugh

Ian Welford02/09/2012 22:44:07
296 forum posts

A couple more observations

Superglue - adhesive developed for space programme to ensure astonauts do not come loose from the spacecraft one stuck. Excellent for attaching self to project which you have just degreased and dried so it can adhere perfects but it just choses to attach you ( ignoring grease on hands, clothes etc) in preferance to the parts you wanted attached.

Note- NEVER try to remove tube stuck to fingers with your lips . No don't ask but it was a good 20 minutes before we took my brother to casualty ( couldn't drive whilst crying with sympathy- honest ! )

Cellulose thinners excellent cleaning agent for degreasing, alos good for removing "unbreakable handles" from screwdrivers. Again don't ask!

Router method of making vast amounts of wood dusk which settles ( eventually) on the freshly painted model in the next room, Said dust is capable of travelling through the time space continuum via closed doors and just to attach to the model.

Machine Worklight - device for warming hand in cooler weather and generating smoke when "coolant spray" hits the bulb. Designed to direct light to just reflect off your safety glasses whilst obscuring view of the work with it's shade.

Quick release air fitting - method of taking compressed air from the compressor to the airtool and refusing to part with it until begged!

I.M. OUTAHERE03/09/2012 07:16:26
1468 forum posts
3 photos

Very funny !

The skit about the engine starter was from a show called the comedy company that ran here in Australia .

How they didn't cop a law suit from WYNNES is beyond me !

They also did a skit featuring a suspension repair spray call the suspensions r**ted and one for the whole car is r**ted .

It was hillarious !

SHIFTER /ADJUSTABLE WRENCH : Used to machine the hexagonal flats from bolts and nuts , also doubles as a hammer .

STILLSONS /PIPE WRENCH Used to apply a knurl to the bolt heads that were macined by the shifter or anything else that is deemed too round to get a spanner on, also doubles as a hammer - should come with instructions as some can't seem to come to GRIPS with the fact they only grip in one direction .


Joseph Ramon03/09/2012 09:26:58
107 forum posts

Obviously inspired them to dreate the 'real' product:


Presumably it's like Bradex Easy Start - ether and various other nice-smelling things in an aerosol.


Edited By Joseph Ramon on 03/09/2012 09:27:19

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